This is a Public Service Announcement brought to you by all the cuteness of Becca:

A great group of women in the Blogosphere have gotten together to set up an amazing series of raffles in order to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy Research. You pick which item(s) you want to win and we’ll draw one winner at random for each item. This is all in honour of Her Bad Mother and her nephew Tanner. The kindness of this gesture has blown me away. Please support the cause, get involved, spend a dollar (or two) and try your luck in the raffles. Not only will it make a success of the raffle, help Muscular Dystrophy Research, boost Tanner’s spirits, it will also make Her Bad Mother swoon. She has had a few hard knocks lately, so she could totally use the boost! For all the lovely Canadian readers the funds are going to Muscular Dystrophy Research Canada! Extra bonus!

The Raffle prizes are amazing, I am so not one to get involved in these normally. Mostly because we are on a budget and I cannot afford to support everyone’s causes (although I do try). I usually attempt to provide support through word of mouth or help in another way. I will be buying a ticket or two this time and I wish everyone the best of luck when they do the same. Having $1 tickets really cinched it for me. It includes everyone.

If you cannot for your own valid reasons participate in the raffle, please consider having your child(ren) (puppies, kittens) write a letter to Tanner. I can only imagine the joy for that wonderful kid to receive support from around the world! Thanks for taking the time to read through my ramblings on the subject and considering popping over to Her Bad Auction.

ps I am still feeling ill but a little better, I will attempt to catch up on my reading and post later. Miss you!

There once was a girl that was very confused. All around her, children had two parents that loved and cherished their little ones. She looked at her life and wondered, where are my parents? She lived in a nice home with caring Grandparents, and every so often her Father would come to visit. He had to work, and his jobs kept him far away from his little bunny. This broke both their hearts however, there was no other way. As this child grew, she became more and more aware of the absence of a Mother. Where was her Mother? Who was her Mother?

What ever happened to the girl’s Mother? She had made a decision, long ago to leave her little girl behind. At six months old, the little girl was left without a Mother. Her Father did his best to care for the little girl on his own. Eventually he had no choice but to take his little girl to his parents house. The little girl lived with her loving Grandparents for a long time.

Many years went by and changes happened in this little girl’s life. Her Father had met a woman that at the time made him happy. He had always wanted to find a Mother for his sweet daughter and felt this was the answer to his wish. One day, he packed the child’s things, she tearfully said good bye to her Grandparents and moved in with her Father, the new woman and her son.

The little girl was even more confused than before. Not knowing her Father well, and trying to fit into this new family was hard for her. Everything around her was strange, new city, new house, new people. She could not make sense of all the chaos in her little world. She longed to understand and know more about her Mother.

Time went on, as it does and the child grew into a teenager. The teenage years are tough on most, and the girl was no exception. One day, on her fourteenth birthday her stepmother announced she had a surprise for the girl. She explained that she had contacted her Mother and arranged for a meeting the next day. The girl was excited, scared and even more confused. The next day came and she met her Mother. They spent the day together, getting to know each other the best they could and promises were made. The girl finally felt like maybe she belonged to a Mother. That summer, the girl spent a month visiting her Mother, it was not all that she thought it would be.

In her imagination, the girl had believed that her Mother would love her and care for her, as she had witnessed with other children. She craved that love, so badly she would have done anything for it. The Mother was kind enough, but something was missing. The girl did not understand. If her own Mother could not love her, who could?

Time went on again, as it does. The girl felt very alone in the world. Her Father’s work kept him far away and her stepmother made Cinderella’s stepmother look like a Fairy Godmother! The girl tried her best to find her way through the world, made many mistakes and was consistently looking for that missing piece in her heart. Her Mother’s contact was sporadic at best, and was not what the girl had imagined it to be. A funny thing about imagination, it can make the real world seem so harsh and desolate. The girl filled her time with friends and school, tripping along the path of life.

The only contact the girl had with her Mother was negative and confusing for the girl. The Mother proclaimed she had no attachment to the girl, and contact eventually ceased. All contact had always been dysfunctional and manipulative. It hurt the girl so badly. All she wanted was to be loved, and that appeared to be too much to ask from her Mother.
The girl eventually found a path that made her feel more complete. She went to university, hoping to help people, since she always felt so alone. She started to heal. Her heart although broken in places and heavily scarred began to mend. She still believed wholeheartedly that no one could love her, for her Mother could not. The girl attempted to escape her past, leave all the mistakes and heart ache behind her.

Time passed by, as it does and the girl met a boy. She had stopped looking for love many moons ago, however this boy was so handsome, smart and caring. She tried so desperately to convince him that he would abandon her as everyone had, but the boy pushed through all her attempts and stuck by her. One morning, she awoke to realize that she loved this boy and could not live without him.

That boy filled that piece of her heart that was always missing. The girl was once told by a wise man that her heart was like a puzzle and that one piece was missing. She had found her piece! The boy loved her despite the fact that her Mother did not, he loved her when she was cranky, her loved her when she was sad. He never wavered, his love was strong and consistent. The boy opened a world wide open for the girl. She began to find herself. They married, had a baby, lost a baby and continue to love each other more & more everyday.

Now that girl is a Mother. She is so happy to be a Mother. She strives to be a good Mother and cannot imagine leaving her daughter behind at any cost. She has come to realize that it was not her fault, her own Mother did not love her. The girl did not nothing wrong, she was good enough and people can & do love her. The girl still cannot completely understand how her Mother could have left a baby behind and never look back. In all her years of knowing people and witnessing the miracle of a Mother’s love, it is inconceivable to her how her Mother lived without her baby. The girl’s heart is full of love for her family and friends. She did not look back on the years of hurt and pain often, rather focusing on the wonderful life she had for herself. The girl was happy and no longer confused.
—chelle

I shared this story with you because in the recent months, my mother has attempted to contact me. When I had originally set up this blog and the web site, J & I talked about the possibility that she may find me. Not that I have been hiding necessarily, but my life is complete without her involvement in it. We had decided that it was worth the “risk”. On Christmas Day, I received an Emil from someone claiming to be my mother’s therapist. She stated that my mother had been in a car accident a few years ago and that she would like to share my web site and blog with my mother but wanted to request my permission to do so before she had. I responded with this Email …
Doc,
It appears you have done an extensive google search on my name, although you obviously are unaware that I have no contact whatsoever with my birth mother or her family. I am unaware of your credentials and you appear to have chosen not to include them therefore I prefer not to divulge in specifics with you. As you must be aware, I do not have the power to prevent you from sharing the web site, or my Flickr photos with her because they are publicly published on the internet; thus I have to question the motives for requesting my permission. It is unfortunate that she was involved in a car accident and for her sake, I do wish the best in her recovery.

I was rather shaken up by the sudden intrusion into my life. I have not heard from my Mother for almost ten years. Before that we met twice and talked on the phone occasionally. I have come to terms with the fact that I am Motherless. The woman pretty much gave birth to me and ditched me. I no longer take that personally and honestly I have no ill wishes towards her and her family. In fact I have no feelings whatsoever. I gave it some thought when I was pregnant and we found out we were having a girl. I was like what the hell do I know about being a Mother to a little girl? I had no Mother, what the hell am I going to be like as a Mother? Will I be all detached like my mother was? Well time has answered all those questions for me. I am a great Mommy. I love Becca so much sometimes it makes my heart hurt it is so full! J has always been so amazing about my fucked up family history. He comes from the textbook nuclear family, and has no clue what it would have been like for me. I am confident that I have dealt with all the feelings and issues that are attached to my mother, yet I am sitting here crying. Why is she coming to me now? What does she want from me? Why does my past have to haunt me?

I received another Email this morning. Reading it made me feel so ANGRY. It came from my mother directly this time. Although I have no doubt that the first Email was from her rather than her therapist. Like why play games, just contact me and get it over with. Anyway here is an excerpt from the Email….

Hello. This is very difficult for me but I can give it a try and I hope it all comes out right. I will NOT contact you again unless invited to do so. I have spent three years in weekly therapy since my head injury and my Therapist has helped me understand how badly I must have hurt you in many ways.

I don’t remember everything from my past, but having read your web page a month ago , I know I must have hurt you deeply. No words can express the heavey guilt and remorse I fell for having hurt you so bad that you have wiped me from your life.
I was so pleased to read about the wonderful relationship you have with your Father. He is a very good man Raechelle.
I am also so very happy for you to have such an endearing and wonderful husband, as well as the most adorable daughter. It appears that you have risen above the pain and anguish I must have caused you.
I don’t know the specifics of what I did, but that does not mean that I don’t know how bad you feel about me so I know it was terrible. I am so very sorry and can not expect you to accept my apology…. I just wanted you to know that it is my burden and always has been.

—Ummm when have I even talked about my mother on my blog? It was something I have been meaning to do, but had yet to do so until today. I guess the “therapist” shared my blog with her even after she said she wouldn’t.
—Ok how do you not remember leaving a 6 month old baby? And yes it hurt like hell to grow up without a mother. I did not wipe anyone out of my life. I was a baby, then I was a teenager. I do not believe I was responsible for ensuring a relationship developed between me and a complete stranger that gave birth to me. She was the adult and if she wanted a relationship with me, she would have not been so manipulative and hurtful. Still a little confused here. She left me. Abandoned me as a baby. How do you forget the specifics of that?
—All my life people have told me that I would not “rise above” pfft! Why is my destiny tied to HER decision? I am my own person and I chose to be a whole, loving and caring woman.
I have worked with brain injured people. I get that she may not be the person she ws when she left the first time, or even the person that crushed all my dreams of having a Mother that loved me as a teenager HOWEVER what does she want from me now? WHY WHY WHY?? Of course I have risen above the pain….Was I suppose to live a life of crap and never make anything of myself because one woman did not have it HER to love a child?? I never did anything wrong!!! ARG I hate that I am allowing all of this to rock my boat!!!!!!!

So now I am left with the responsibility of dealing with this. Now after all these years she wants something from me? Am I wrong to be freaked out? Why now? What does she want? How much more pain can this woman inflict on me? I am happy. Shit I have never been happier in my entire life. I am cool with the fact I have no mother, my Dad is awesome, I have a great life….WHY?

Ok this is seriously getting long! Thanks to all that could read through all my rambling. It feels better to have it all written down. I have no clue what will come of this. Grrrr….

Some concluding thoughts then I am done. I never want Becca to feel the pain I felt being abandoned and neglected, therefore I will protect her like a Mother Bear protecting her cub.

Chelle