Yes I am indeed addressing YOU!

What are you cooking?

What do you prepare for your rugrats for lunch?

See, if you ask my preschooler what she wants for lunch she shall reply … “Chicken Noodle Soup” EVERY TIME. Now I am a lover of the chicken a la soup, but there comes a time when change is good. We do have the occasional Mac & Cheese, grilled cheese, and pancakes (what you cook those before you have a ton of coffee??), buy alas it always comes back to the Chicken Noodle soup. This chicken noodle soup obsession began in California like two years ago. You can see how one might be a little SICK of chicken noodle soup.

I got to thinking about the upcoming year. See I feel like we are on THE FINAL COUNTDOWN (cue music from 80’s), preparing Becca for SCHOOL. Which Winnie-the-Pooh nailed it with the scary reference to the Skull-o-saurus. Somehow I think the scary reference was meant more for parents than the kids. Becca is thrilled at the idea (most days) that she will enter the world of kids, colouring, learning to read and counting ALL DAY.

What does one pack a cute, budding little girl for a school lunch now a days? Peanut butter is out due to those nasty allergies that plague the poor children. Tuna would go bad right? Processed lunch meat everyday makes me feel icky. So what do you prepare for lunches? I want to start preparing lunches at home, that could be a potential take to school for lunch, lunch. I would like to incorporate Becca into the cooking since she is so keen. Do your kids or lovers help you in the kitchen?

Since we are chatting about foods, what are you making for dinner these days? We are breaking out of our spaghetti mold and venturing but not to far. I have been attempting to do more meatless cooking, throwing some tofu and fish into the mix. Inspiration from others is a must when trying new things.

So tell me sweet internets … What ‘cha got cooking?

Until I became Mommy to Becca and Ethan, I really was indifferent to Mother’s Day. It was another day. When I was a child, it was another day to remind me that I did not have a mother. My little mind did not understand why I did not have a mother, and it caused me a lot of heart ache.

After a few good therapists and a wicked good husband, I came to the conclusion that I did not need the love of a mother to be complete. That it was her issue not mine, and that a baby of six months could never do anything to warrant being left behind. I was at peace with my history.

Then I got pregnant with Becca and a flood of emotions came to me. I was so scared that I would be a cold hearted bitch like my mother was (cause really how else could she walk away?) Would some weird mental illness emerge, causing me not love my baby? How would I know how to be a Mom, without having one?

At that time, I worked with a girl that was pregnant at the same time as me. It was her second pregnancy and she was radiant with confidence and joy. I was freaking out of my mind and had so much to muddle over before the baby came.

Of course Becca arrived five and a half weeks early, leaving me reeling with emotions. The first night, after her birth, I lie awake alone (Becca in the NICU, J with our dog). I knew in that moment that I was not my mother. The pain I felt being separated from my baby was so intense, so consuming. That experience strengthen me, enpowered me. I was ready.

I was a MOTHER.

Now I am a Mother of two gorgeous children, that fill my days with love, laughter, frustration and tears. I am so honoured to be a mom. To be their mom.

I cannot imagine that state of mind, the drive that my mother had to leave. She had to have been mentally ill. I have since met her twice in my life. It was a fragile time, early teens. It changed me and my path to a rocky, harsh one. She told me once, she just didn’t feel a connection, like somehow I did that. The relationships I have had with “mother figures” throughout my life have left me feeling confused and empty. I have always longed to have a shadow of that special relationship of woman to woman, but alas it just does not appear to be written in the stars for me.

Not yet.

My daughter and son will grow up to become adults and I will be their Mother. I will at last have that relationship I have longed for all my life. I used to get so annoyed when people took their mothers for granted. Didn’t they know how special it was to have a Mother that loved them? In reality they did not know. It was taken for granted that their Mother loved them.

As it should be.

My children will never now that loss, that loneliness, that sadness.

To all the moms out there …. Happy Mother’s Day. May your love always be taken for granted.

In my haze of illness, barely conscious, Ethan, sick too, having troubles falling asleep, I glance over at my laptop … Gmail staring back at me. Oh look an email from another blogger, how nice … start reading email … glance down at what she is sharing with me …

OH FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY!

I have been hacked. #*^$#&*^$#%$&*A@)# <— me swearing, like bad. humph.

It is a geek ego thing. I knew better. In fact, I emailed others about it. You know one of those friendly reminders to upgrade your blogging software. Yet I did not make the time to do it myself. Oh no. Instead I am flaunting PORN in my RSS archives. STUPID GIRL. grrr. UGH. I feel like poo. Monkey poo in fact. Not only am I sick but my wanna-be-geek ego is bruised. hrrumph.

Blogging Lesson # 12 - Always Upgrade your software (Especially when there are published security issues). If you have a Wordpress Blog, please be SURE that you have the latest version. I spent much needed sleep time, upgrading last night.

*sigh*

So if you have been bombarded with links to porn in your RSS feeder, I am SO SORRY. I really really was not promoting porn. I figure if it is your thang, you’ll find it on your own. Hackers are mean. I have gone through and attempted to erase all links however, with close to 900 publishes posts that is difficult.

In other news, I spent yesterday moaning, miserable and feeling awful. In fact at one point I hear Becca tell her baby brother “Don’t worry Ethan she’ll be better tomorrow, I can teach you to colour right now”. And she did! I gathered up enough strength to take a few photographs.

I am feeling a little better today, still not up to snuff. Spring better bring us better health. I still hope that it is partially due to being new to this area and not exposed to all these germs before.

You may have seen some minor changes on the blog. Michelle was the first to notice that I have changed my blog name. I will go onto more details about the change once the rest of the changes are live and in place. My plans for the weekend are to tweak some blog stuff, continue the spring cleaning I started earlier this week and stop being a single parent just in time to be royally spoiled on Mother’s Day!

What are your plans for the weekend?

Today was catch up from being super busy day.

Today was go to the playground, blow bubbles day.

Today was do some housework day.

Today I am sick with the cold the kids have been suffering from.

J is uber busy with a conference in town. I am all alone. Sick. In my comfy clothes. Lying on the couch. Sick.

Have fun with more Wordless Wednesday.