I have been sick. Like yucky hurts to breath totally sick … sick. The kids have been snotty and sick. It has been good times here. Yet time has passed and changes have occurred.

It is funny how life works that way. Even if you are not present it has a way of taking care of itself. My husband has had to step in and take care of cooking, children (who are not well themselves) and the household duties. An appreciation for all that I do is apparent. Suddenly the need for me to be better is great.

I am on the mend. I am tackling catching up on time wasted “getting better”.

Ethan woke from his nap today older and wiser. He spoke two new words, stood with greater confidence and walked uncountable steps. Childhood is so fleeting that way. One moment he was my baby, suddenly his urge to become a toddler is desirable and great. He is nursing less, yet clinging to me softly and diligently (beautiful when personal hygiene is not at risk of being neglected yet again).

During this burst of need on Ethan’s part, Becca has become invisible. She plays quickly, not making too much fuss. She ever so quietly proclaimed in response to “I am sorry Becca Ethan needs me at the moment …”

“But I need you too”

It was a small voice.

Ever so tender.

So heartbreaking.
In my struggle to feel better, wrangle a needy baby almost toddler, I had forgotten that one more little person needs me. I have since that moment taken small quiet moments to whisper “I love You”, snuggle, read and be present to her. But alas I am truly making it up as I go along.

Spring has arrived in our neck of the woods. The buds on the trees are growing, flowers are coming up, the weather is tolerable and spring fever is in full swing. We have tried to take advantage of the lovely weather, going for walks, heading to playgrounds and hiking through parks. It is exciting to watch our city blossom for the first time.

 My beautiful children have been snotty and coughing all week. Now I am feeling under the weather as well. ugh. Just a cold, but still. I was participating with Much More Than a Mom on a cleanse, however not eating food made me really miserable. I made it through the two days but yuck. Not sure I would do it again. Not with children at home, wanting me to be sunny and bright. I like the idea of cleansing out the system in theory.

We are suppose to head out to the library this morning. At the moment I would much rather get into some comfortable clothes and lie around all day feeling yucky. This weekend we may head to the farmer’s market or we may just lounge. J has his final on Saturday (he is one of those professors that has his exam on a SATURDAY! actually he had no choice it was pre-determined). Do you have any big plans for the weekend?

Thank you for all the supportive and amazing comments. I usually blog about my feelings long after I have begun to process them, so I have been working my way back to healthy, happy me for a few days. Your words totally mean so much.

I have this amazing life. Two great kids, an amazing husband, a country I love, surrounded by some wonderful things. I am not in need of anything.

However, every once in a while the noise from the outside gets in. The noise that makes me feel like I should have more, that I deserve more. It is not all material (although I would never proclaim not to be a material girl, thank you Madonna).  It cuts me a little that my children are not surrounded by loving family on their birthdays and other special occasions. It is hard to let J go completely, so that he can be amazing at his job. Letting go means being alone. Being alone is hard. I am not new to being alone, I have spent most of my life alone. When I started this journey with my husband I was not alone. He was incredibly supportive and there. Last week, when I needed him there, he wasn’t. That sucked. We worked through it though, as all couples that are in it for the long haul do. We worked out a truce. All is good.

We have had such an amazing yet difficult year. Each family member is still reeling from three moves, international travel, good byes, death, new friends, old friends, illness and then the regular crazy life stuff. It is hard not to wonder what if? why not? when will it? Then I think when will all that not be there to confound us?

Five months.

We have been here five months.

J has begun his career. Encountering new and exciting, challenging and demanding tasks that he has never tackled before. I have gotten out there, met people, joined classes and groups for the children and learn little bits of our new home.

It is hard not to want a house. It is hard to live pay cheque to pay cheque. It is hard not to want more. More food, more clothes, more toys, another car, more dishes, more electronics, More More MORE MORE MORE!

When it is quiet. I do not want more. I am happy with what we have. Happy to be together. Happy to be home in Canada. Happy to still want to jump beyond myself and challenge myself to be a better person. Be creative. Get in better physical shape. Be more calm.

How does the noise get in? How can I stop this from happening again?

I am calm now. I am not all spun up, ready to implode. I am going to try to stay this way. I find it hard when others expect that I am happy always, that I accept my life without question, support my husband and expect nothing in return. I am human. His dream was center stage so long. I have dreams too.

I am tuning out the noise. I refuse to listen to it all (especially all at once). Becca will read when she is ready to read, she has endured so much in her short life, the rest will come naturally to her. Ethan will gain weight when it is the right time for him. They are both happy, content kids. We live on the other side of the country from family and friends. We had no choice but to take the opportunity where is arose.  Visit happily or not at all. This means that I have to make do on my own. I do not have family to fall back on when life seems overwhelming. In some ways I felt closer to the extended family when we were outside the country than I do now. But all of that is just noise. Noise that only overwhelms me and prevents me from being a good mom and a good wife.

Tuning out the noise. Focusing on the important stuff. The good stuff. The rest of it, belongs to someone else … let them live in the noise.

I am really starting to wonder if after 4 years of blogging, I am not just done. Maybe I am blogged out. Maybe there is nothing left to say. This week has been oddly emotional and not really all that great for me. I am not sure what has taken me to such negative energy, but it has been very difficult to shake.

Ethan’s birthday was lovely. I did indeed bake him a car cake, although Becca described it as a “funny looking ‘Mator tow truck” (it was suppose to be a race car). Sunday we cruised to the ever famous Peggy’s Cove to hike a little. The wind was bitter and Ethan was not really all that impressed. It was beautiful and I would love to experience it again. We then cruised home, had lunch and cake then headed to the playground to play. Perfect day to turn one.

My birthday was, well let’s just say I got a “do-over” the next day. The do-over was spent with my family, enjoying the day, shopping and pigging out on Chinese food. I am thankful for the do-over, but a little sad that it was necessary. This is life though. Sometimes. It Sucks.

On Thursday, just to make that negative energy breed like bunnies, I went for my annual physical and Ethan went in for his one year appointment. Both of us left not feeling very well. Ethan was always referred to as a “WHAT A BIG BOOOYYYEEEE” has now dropped below the 50th percentile for weight and at the 50th percentile for height. This bothers me. A lot. We are going back in a month to see if he is growing at a good rate, just slowed down, or if he is losing weight. He is a very busy baby and I am hoping that with a little extra effort on our part he will gain weight and give me one less thing to worry about. The doctor also commented that Ethan looked pale, but when comparing my very white skin to his, it appears that is our colour.

My blood pressure was crazy high. Well the bottom number was … the top number is great. This is a health issue that is new to me. I have always had normal blood pressure (expect when pregnant). We did have Chinese the night before (something we rarely eat) and some chips as we watched a movie (I never have chips anymore). See me rationalizing?!?! The doctor told me to cut out the salties and check at the drugstore blood pressure thing (he did state they were not all that reliable but if they can show a decrease/increase). I need to lose some more weight. ugh. This move has really stalled the effort, so I need to get back at it. I am determined to get into better shape.

That leads me to the scatter I feel my being is at. I want to accomplish so much that I am being torn into bits. Add the two kids, a husband and zero support and I am tapped out. I feel not whole. I trying to find ways to ground myself. I miss my friends that are scattered throughout North America. It takes time to forge relationships in a new place and I am finding with all my other”issues” I am not open and grounded to forge ahead.  I am trying to focus on what matters and tune out the noise. Sometimes I can … sometimes not so much.

Have fun with more Wordless Wednesday.