Noise … Learning to Tune it Out
Thank you for all the supportive and amazing comments. I usually blog about my feelings long after I have begun to process them, so I have been working my way back to healthy, happy me for a few days. Your words totally mean so much.
I have this amazing life. Two great kids, an amazing husband, a country I love, surrounded by some wonderful things. I am not in need of anything.
However, every once in a while the noise from the outside gets in. The noise that makes me feel like I should have more, that I deserve more. It is not all material (although I would never proclaim not to be a material girl, thank you Madonna). It cuts me a little that my children are not surrounded by loving family on their birthdays and other special occasions. It is hard to let J go completely, so that he can be amazing at his job. Letting go means being alone. Being alone is hard. I am not new to being alone, I have spent most of my life alone. When I started this journey with my husband I was not alone. He was incredibly supportive and there. Last week, when I needed him there, he wasn’t. That sucked. We worked through it though, as all couples that are in it for the long haul do. We worked out a truce. All is good.
We have had such an amazing yet difficult year. Each family member is still reeling from three moves, international travel, good byes, death, new friends, old friends, illness and then the regular crazy life stuff. It is hard not to wonder what if? why not? when will it? Then I think when will all that not be there to confound us?
Five months.
We have been here five months.
J has begun his career. Encountering new and exciting, challenging and demanding tasks that he has never tackled before. I have gotten out there, met people, joined classes and groups for the children and learn little bits of our new home.
It is hard not to want a house. It is hard to live pay cheque to pay cheque. It is hard not to want more. More food, more clothes, more toys, another car, more dishes, more electronics, More More MORE MORE MORE!
When it is quiet. I do not want more. I am happy with what we have. Happy to be together. Happy to be home in Canada. Happy to still want to jump beyond myself and challenge myself to be a better person. Be creative. Get in better physical shape. Be more calm.
How does the noise get in? How can I stop this from happening again?
I am calm now. I am not all spun up, ready to implode. I am going to try to stay this way. I find it hard when others expect that I am happy always, that I accept my life without question, support my husband and expect nothing in return. I am human. His dream was center stage so long. I have dreams too.
I am tuning out the noise. I refuse to listen to it all (especially all at once). Becca will read when she is ready to read, she has endured so much in her short life, the rest will come naturally to her. Ethan will gain weight when it is the right time for him. They are both happy, content kids. We live on the other side of the country from family and friends. We had no choice but to take the opportunity where is arose. Visit happily or not at all. This means that I have to make do on my own. I do not have family to fall back on when life seems overwhelming. In some ways I felt closer to the extended family when we were outside the country than I do now. But all of that is just noise. Noise that only overwhelms me and prevents me from being a good mom and a good wife.
Tuning out the noise. Focusing on the important stuff. The good stuff. The rest of it, belongs to someone else … let them live in the noise.
It is so hard to move away from your support network and try to build another one. So hard. Especially when you move somewhere where the weather keeps you indoors for a good part of the time. It’s hard to meet people. But you will, and you’ll build a support there. Then it will be easier. It’s just hard to be patient too.
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For what(ever) it’s worth, I am often in awe of you. I have so many of these same feelings, yet we are in such different situations, and you so often impress me with how you work through them and come out on top. Like you said, you are human — I have been reminding my husband of that a lot lately (his career and goals and priorities and life always seem to come first, too) — and that means you have feelings that you have to process and work through sometimes. We can still be grateful for all that we do have in the process. I am rambling…not sure what my point is other than that you rock and…well…here’s to the strength of women and mothers…have you heard Alicia Keyes’ “Superwoman” on her latest album? It is my anthem lately. You should listen to it!! (And clearly I could really benefit from getting back to blogging…if only there were more time in the day, ha!)
*hugs*
I would MISS you if you stopped blogging, so don’t.
It’s hard, all of it - money, parenting, marriage. It’s worthwhile, but still. HARD!
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Hey, look at Becca’s soccer ball!
Oh wait, that was a totally profound post and I’m totally distracted. But look at her soccer ball!
The community there will come. And it’s not fair that you have to wait. So many times. In one year.
Miss you.
I think that with everything you’ve done over the past year, you are amazing. You’ve moved several times - including to a different country, raised 2 kids amidst all of that and are keeping such a positive outlook, even though you are so far away from your support network. Life is hard sometimes, but you are doing great. It takes time to meet people - we’ve been here for over 4 years now and I still feel like I’m working on that.
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Exactly…And don’t let those other people living in the ‘noise’ let you believe that it’s easy for them either…it’s not.
You are just honest with yourself and with others and they are not.
You will do what’s best for you and your family and the noise of laughter and joy will get you through.
Love…..
~JJ!’s last blog post..In control
As Crista above said, I’m in awe of you also! The last year has been crazy for you and you really made it all look so easy. Honestly you have!
Some things sound so familiar the wanting of a house of ouw own, the pay check to pay check, the missing family/friends who aren’t here in Alberta. But in the end we move forward and do what we must do, our kids need that from us. Right?
I hope you don’t ever leave the blogging world, as you would be sorely missed!
P.S. I see from f/b your a Big Brother fan, me too
All I have to say is Natalie must go!!!
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I hear you. I usually have noise that says I am not enough. I try to breathe and listen to the answer that is right in front of me. It is usually about acceptance. Good luck!!
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If you figure out a way to tune out the noise, will you please let me know? I bet you could sell it!
I’ve been alone most of my life, too. And even though Chris isn’t really “gone” a lot, there are times I feel so alone, and he just doesn’t get it. I’m not sure I can even explain it so how CAN he get it? My only family I have ever had has been my children. My nearest non-child relative is over 600 miles away.Granted, I haven’t moved a lot, and I do work (thank God because without that I would be a basket case) but I have no close friends around me. I get lonely very often, and then I feel like a whiney baby, but hey, I deserve it. We all deserve to feel how we want at one time or another, right?
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Awesome way of putting it Chelle! It’s definitely not materialistic wanting things - it’s human nature and I think too it’s a mother’s natural instinct to see and want for her family. You will get there, one piece of the puzzle at a time. I’m sure as the weather perks up in the northern hemisphere everyone will be getting out and being visible. You’ll meet more people at the local parks etc ….. down here on the other hand, we’re getting ready to hibernate!
I really enjoy your writing - you are honest, upfront, real. I think those are star qualities in a person, and that’s why I tune in here.
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I understand exactly where you are coming from. It seems like we are in exactly the same situation on the other side of the country. It is really hard to be in a place with out the safety nets of family. While you make acquaintances of people they are not the ones you feel you can call when you are going out of your mind.
If you would like a surrogate mother who is lonely for her grandchildren I could probably supply one. She might even be able to babysit once in a while. Email me and I can set you up.
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Adam’s applying to a job in Saskatchewan…wanna trade locations
This is a great post for even me to come back to and serve as a reminder. It sucks being away from family and I have had a really hard time, but we get through it.
Your thoughts are definitely normal and I’m glad you are blocking out the noise.
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Thanks for making some noise.
Your blog has given me the words that I cannot really write about on my blog so consider that I identify with practically everything. I’m a loner, have lived internationally all my adolescent and adult life and I am in desperate need of a support system and I’m trying to make it in Pittsburgh.
My take on all these things is that we jostle the inner spirit within ourselves when we do something to upset our own inner sense of balance. Moving is a real test of our faiths. On some days, I wake up feeling life is cool and mainly and on most others I want to go back to my kibbutz in israel, because it’s what I know, the people are there and it’s HOME . Eight months in Pittsburgh is nothing compared to 20 years in Israel. I feel very much alone and scared. Tomorrow I am going to observe an ESL class for inspiration on my book that I’m writing and truthfully, I feel like a first grader again. As if I wasn’t ever a teacher, right?:-)
I’m in awe how eloquently you put everything I wanted to say.. I haven’t been opening up to myself on blogging experiences, but maybe I should and it would help me get out of my shell.
Thanks for letting me vent. Ah, now I feel better.
One more thing - It’s hard to focus on what’s important when you feel you deserve more and whay did I put myself/family in this situation. Even though you feel blessed 9and you are) , you still question the good of it all. I know this and eactly what you are saying, because we left Israel for exactly the same reasons - to be in the States where there is more opportunities and we’re making it albeit slowly, but we are and it’s good to know that all the packing and adjustment was worth it. But it’s still an empty routine lifeless lifestyle because we don’t have family here and that means everything for us back home in Israel. Luckily, the Jewish/Israeli community is a warm one, but still family is family.
Okay, signing off for now. Thank you for letting me be heard.
XOXO Dorit
http://www.piecesofme.blogspot.com
I want more too! I think no matter how much you have, you always want that little bit you can’t have, lol.
Becca is too little to read yet. usually by grade 1 they start to read. Recognize letters, yes, but i’m sure she’s doing that.
Nathan is going to jk in fall & no one is saying he should be reading yet. My niece is in gr1 & she just started reading, so definitely don’t fret yourself over that one. She’s still little.
As to Ethan, as long as he’s healthy & acting healthy then who cares what the docs say, they’re not always right you know
Chelle–You are so entitled to all these feelings. Being The One in charge of little kids is hard enough, but especially when your partner can’t spell you…and when your dreams aren’t the focus of the family (so sorry I just used the phrase Focus on the Family).
If there’s any reason why you should continue blogging, it goes beyond how much we readers appreciate your life view and your comments you leave for us–it goes to the fact that this emotion-based writing is powerful and cathartic. Blog for yourself.
I’m glad to hear that you seem to be doing better now! It is so hard to find the balance of everything in life…don’t be too hard on yourself!
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You are amazing, Chelle! Hang in there. It’s a difficult thing to be alone. I went through it when my husband worked the night shift for 7 years. It almost broke us but we stuck it out.
I’ll be thinking of you as always.
I was really struggling with wanting more and comparing my life to other people’s lives. Then my book club picked the Oprah book “A New Earth: awakening your life’s purpose”. At first, I resisted reading it. I didn’t like the idea of reading something I deemed “new agey” plus I don’t like to read a book just because everyone else is (I didn’t think Eat, Pray, Love was all THAT) but I started reading the book and I have learned so much about myself…About the ego and why we feel dissatisfied and want more. I think you would really like it and if you can’t borrow a copy, it’s only $10 at a discount book store.
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So glad you are feeling better now. When the noice starts just open your window and yell at the top of your lungs “shut up and get out!” and then of course lock your doors because I am sure the neibors will call the funny farm on you! LOL
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For me, sometimes feeling like I want MORE just means that I want LESS, want CLEAN, want ORGANIZED, want QUALITY. Hang in there sista!
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I find myself constantly wanting more, and have to talk myself down from it often. I love living within my means and being around for my children, even though they are teenagers now. I know that we, and they, could have more, better, newer, nicer things, etc, if I worked longer hours. But I’d rather us not have all we want, and have plenty of time to spend with one another, and one parent always around. I think it just works out better for everyone if you are able to do things that way.
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hello my dear friend…..I could say that I know what you are going through but I do not…perhaps it is another HUGE personal growth period for you.
I knew you when you went through several of these times….when you were striving to have more, get more, do more, learn more, go go go and not slowing down, full of anxiety and sadness all rolled up in one.
Now you are not alone….you have soooooo much that when we went to college you honestly thought you would never have..
I remember when you were asked if you would have kids you would say some day….not a priority right now…dont have anyone to do it with….and in all this you looked at the ground…not making eye contact.
I honesty believe that everyone goes through either short or long periods of wanting more…I think that is good…Why?
Its those who make it through those times realizing that they dont need more that are the ones that appreciate things more…appreciate what they have…these are the ones that grow.
the ones who keep striving for more can be the sad lost people….your not one of those….
Ah, you are so wise. And your kids are so cute. Focusing on what’s important is something I try to remind myself every day.
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