Have fun with more Wordless Wednesday.

My daughter’s heart is broken. I want to fix this. I want to take her pain away. I never imagined her suffering to last this long. I never know what will bring on the break downs, the sobbing, the heart ache.

Today we watched Alice in Wonderland. Not the scary version I remember with the Jabberwocky, rather the sweet innocent one by Disney.  J had asked me the night before if I thought Becca was ready. I thought it was an odd question and approved the viewing.

I am an ass.

Five minutes into the movie Becca begins to sob. Uncontrollably. She keeps looking to me asking me if Alice will find her lost cat. I, confused thinking Alice is chasing a rabbit, ask Becca why? Well you see, Alice leaves her sweet kitten, Dina as she falls down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. Dina remains on Alice’s lap, throughout the adventures in wonderland, therefore leaving my broken hearted three and a half year old, fretting about the cat.

The lost cat.

The cat that she lost. That sadly is not going to return at the end of the movie. Sadly. This is real and she indeed lost her best friend and Charisma will not be coming back.  Charisma died.

Becca has wept for her friend. It hurts my heart to even type this post. I sat with my daughter on my lap as she sobbed for her cat. I wept along with her, for her loss, my loss and the loss of her innocence. I so want to take this away for her. Nothing I can do or say will help. We put up pictures of Charisma upon arriving here. Last week while angry at me, she told me to take the pictures down, “It doesn’t help”. Her pain and grief is so intense. At Christmas time I called on a dear friend that has had some experience with the loss of a pet. She advised me it could take up to a year.

A year.

It hurts so much to see her in pain like this. I cannot imagine how I will survive my lifetime with these children of mine. Pain exists. Loss exists. I am devastated by her pain. I am not sure I have ever felt so deeply for another human being’s pain. Ever.

I feel so helpless. I cannot make this better. I try, oh my I try and everything I do seems to make it worse. I realize there is no easy fix, no solution, I just hate that she hurts.

We talk about Charisma openly. She is Charisma at times (daily). She tells random strangers that he died. I try not to suppress her feelings so they can flow out, someday easing some of her pain.

What else can I do? Gosh it hurts. I can imagine her pain is as intense as mine. Ouch.

Ok first off, I love weekends, don’t you? Carefree days of exploring, relaxing and time with the family! I am so so so happy here.

Halifax is the coolest city ever! Ok not only do we have the most amazing recycling program here (we virtually throw nothing away it is so cool) there is so much to see and do here. Halifax has this big city feel, totally metro but without all those people getting in the way. So my kind of town.

This morning we gathered up some gear and headed downtown. Halifax has one of the world’s oldest Farmer’s Markets that is open year round. I have been to a few markets in my time but NOTHING, NOTHING prepared me for the absolute AWESOMENESS of this market. There was multi-levels of farmers, crafters, bakers, fish, meats, plants, candles … dream it and it is at the Halifax Farmer’s Market. AND this is low season! All four of us gaped at all the goodies, organic cheese, mussels, sausage, knitting, wool, bags, hats, paintings, things that are undefinable, yet still incredibly cool! PEOPLE everywhere, polite and cute looking for their treasures. Young, old crunchy and corporate. It was AMAZING! Seriously.

Afterwards we wandered aimlessly downtown. Soaking up the atmosphere, the beauty of this city. At moments I silently had tears in my eyes. We are so home. This is where our children will grow up. This is where I will walk my future dog. This is where we will buy a home and host our families when they visit. This is good.

We made our way to the waterfront to play and walk. Both Becca and Ethan enjoyed the ocean air and the playground. Ethan is eager to get down and play (it was wet from the melting snow so he was suck with us). Becca laughed and talked to kids inviting them to join her play. Magical day. We are spending our evening steaming fresh mussels bought at the Farmer’s Market, then snuggling up and reading some books.

This place is so awesome. This place is home.

(I am posting a bunch of photos on Flickr if you want to see some of the awesomeness)

Gosh I loved that show. Jordan was so dreamy.

Life is settling in here. Now that J has started heading to work everyday. I have been exhausted most of the week. Oh yes, caring for two children is exhausting, how could I have forgotten? I scored spots for both the children at the libraries ever popular story time. Becca being a brave girl, joined all the strange little children ON HER OWN, climbed through the tunnel and listened to stories for half an hour. I was all misty eyed and proud of her. Once story time was over all the kids played, Becca went off and played by herself. It is a lot to process, I am so proud that she did not need me. GASP! She did not need me!

Ethan gladly stole my attention all to himself for that half an hour. Tomorrow we return to the library for a Babies and Books. I am not sure how Becca will react to an activity specifically for Ethan. My hope is to find some books in advance to capture her attention and then focus on Ethan. Speaking of Ethan, he is standing/pulling himself up all the time. He prefers to stand and play, dragging his toys up to the couch, table or bed. It is too cute.

Thank you for all the feedback on sharing. If you look closely in the picture of Becca, she does have a shelf for her *special* things. Yesterday while we were out and about we spotted some dinosaurs and animals figures discounted incredibly (and some sock yarn but alas that is for another blog!), so we snatched them up. I emphasized to her that these were for both her and Ethan. Alas upon returning home she claimed them as “MINE”. I think for the moment, although I will always correct, her I will let it go too. Arguments with three years old need to be selected carefully as they could be endless.

Today I am determined to do some organizing/unpacking. It is so easy to ignore the last items. I need to be complete though so I can move on, play, knit and enjoy life without that nagging feeling like I have not quite finished my chores.

Skippyjon Jones

(For you Grandma)