Being a stay at home mom is a tough gig. It is not a gig that one should attempt in isolation, at least in my opinion. Nic from Much More Than a Mom, sent me a link last week to the Suburban CEO. If you have some time, read it over. The author makes some really valid points and I have totally found some strength in some of the approaches that she discusses. I like the concept that I am the ultimate boss, although that leaves me with all the success and all the failures.

The failures are what worry me. Should Becca know her ABC’s? Why is she not counting to 20 yet? Am I allowing too much “fun time”? Beck had an amazing post (banter got out of control in comments so she chose to talk chocolate instead) on staying at home and allowing our children to grow without constraints of “fences”, rather to venture out into the “wild”. Not alluding to which was better, rather frustrated to be told that preschool is “the thing to do with the young “, Beck got my mind racing on topics that have been floating up there for a while.

In order for me to be the best Mom I can be, I need a community working with me. I am not ready to let go of my children. I am not ready for Becca to attend a preschool. Instead I want her to attend gymnastics, swimming, sports, art, music and the like. All the while I want to be there cheering her on, for I am her biggest fan.

Today we went on our very first New Mexico playdate at our new potential friends ‘house. It was wonderful to watch Becca play with a playmate again, giving me the chance to talk about everything and nothing. It was rejuvenating for all of us, Becca, Ethan and I to have peers to chill out with. After the playdate, driving back up the Hill in the rain, I smiled to myself. I am building another community. This achievement is something I could never achieve before I was a mother.

I went out last night. I did not want to. Really I wanted to sulk around the house, begging my cat to eat. But I didn’t I went out and schmoozed at the local La Leche League meeting. Meeting new people is hard. I am an outgoing gal once I feel comfortable and LLL has always put me at ease. It was nice to be around other women and babies, as well as get to know our little community.

Soccer Mom in Denial has presented me a great award, Official Schmooze Bicep button.

Schmoozing is the natural ability “to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.” Good schmoozers effortlessly weave their way in and out of the blogosphere, leaving friendly trails and smiles, happily making new friends along the way. They don’t limit their visits to only the rich and successful, but spend some time to say hello to new blogs as well. They are the ones who engage others in meaningful conversations, refusing to let it end at a mere hello - all the while fostering a sense of closeness and friendship.

I was also honoured by Yours-Truly … Thanks so much!

I am feeling pretty honoured and very humbled. Thank you so much. Schmoozing in the world and in the blogosphere has been an amazing experience for me as a Mom. Having a community and a network of support is very important to me. Everyone that comes to Crazy Thoughts is an awesome Schmoozer, however I have one hand to type usually so here are six bloggers that have the power to schmooze like no others.

Janet - Not only has she successfully used her dog as a potty motivator, she is the best blogger & commenter!

Beck - Her way with words leaves me in awe. Then she comes here and comments.

Nic - Awesome mom … amazing business woman.

Holly - I always feel better when I get to spend time with Holly. Even from a distance!

Betty - Her fab photography and adventures have everyone schmoozing!

Jacquie - One of my favorite commenters, who starting blogging. Now I can’t get enough of her blog!

As for Charisma, he has been eating a little and appears to be drinking his water. He has not thrown up in the last 24 hours or so. J stopped by the pet store and bought some paste stuff but of course Charisma is the only cat on the planet that does not like it. Pounce and some sample food from the pet store is all he will eat at the moment. I actually squeezed some of the tube stuff (thanks for the tip Holly!) onto the pounce to give it some nutritional value. As for another cat, I think we are heading to the Animal Shelter this weekend to see if there are any that seem to fit.

Becca is very upset that her cat is ill. She has been quite clingy to him and us, having short crying spells then being ok. Ethan is happy and oblivious.

Well we took our beloved cat to the vet this morning.

He has lost 3 lbs. He appears healthy. There are no lumps, pain, temperature is good and he does not appear to be dehydrated (all good signs) . We are looking at potential diabetes or fatty liver disease (brought on by not eating due to anxiety, most likely). Either way unless we can get Charisma to eat we are going to lose him. We are making every effort to help him.

This move  has been hard on me. Now the thought of losing our cat, ugh. He is now on anti-nausea medication and we are trying a vet food. He will not touch the vet food. Pounce and fresh tuna out of a can from J. I had to force a pill down the poor cat’s throat this morning. Not fun.

I know I will not be popular for this but it has to be said. We cannot afford huge medical interventions to save Charisma’s life. We did not order blood tests to confirm or deny the medical illnesses that may be present. I feel awful. I love my cat. He is part of our family. However, I have two hairless babies to feed. Even if we could afford a feeding tube, or insulin for the cat I am not sure I would go to such lengths. How comfortable would Charisma be? Quality of life is important too. And although he is not the oldest cat on the records he is not a spring chicken anymore either. His weight has always put him at risk for a shorter life (we have had him on a diet for years to no avail). Gosh I am so not ready to say good bye to him.

We have talked for some time about getting another cat. Not only has Charisma excelled with other cats (we used to foster shelter cats, see I love animals!), but in case we did lose Charisma. Charisma and Becca truly are BFF. I cannot imagine her reaction if we lose him. Will another cat fill that void? Help with the loss before hand? Will we stress Charisma out more? Replacing the cat after is that a good idea? I feel so lost right now.

Your thoughts? Hate me? Hug me. Pray for our cat.

Ok really I have a lot on my plate at the moment. My daughter is her challenging three year old self. Frustratingly, fearlessly, beautifully creative and independent. I love it. I hate it. I should be unpacking instead I am desperately searching google.
Now I am freaking out.

Charisma.

The cat.

The fat, overweight beast.

He refuses to eat.
For a week now, my dear sweet, evil cat has not eaten his food. This is was an EIGHTEEN pound cat. He likes his food. I am freaking out. Not only has he been my companion for 10 years, he is now Becca’s BFF. He cannot die.

Ok so when he eats the little that he has, he hurls it back up on the sea foam green carpet. We finally resorted to tuna. He can stomach small amounts of tuna, however refuses any cat food, no matter how luscious. Only tuna. I feel like maybe I am being played. But the cat will not eat. He could get very ill, some sort of scary liver disease. I am freaking out.

Honestly. I love my cat. I really do. However. If he needs a feeding tube, and huge medical intervention. I have to let him go. Becca will have to let him go. The little beast better start eating.

Other than not eating, he seems to be the same old Charisma. He has energy (like the energy of an 18 lbs cat), he sleeps, drinks out of the toilet (trying to teach the girl to close the lid), he sleeps and well sleeps. But I would not describe him as lethargic or ill. He is annoying, loving self.

The cat cannot die.

I am so looking forward to normal life again. Moving so disrupts that.

While all this moving jazz has been happening I was awarded the coveted Rockin’ Girl Blogger award by a couple of rockin’ bloggers! Thanks! I have to admit I was feeling a little un-rocking when the award was first doing the blog circuit, but the ladies hooked me up. If you have not been awarded the honour, the fact that you read here makes you rockin’

I hit a slump at the end of the week. Postpartum hormones, wrapped up with an incredible sense of loneliness hit me hard. I was snappy & cried without notice or cause. I couldn’t shake it & I felt like crap. I still do not feel like myself. I think once our home is back to order and I start into some routines again I will shake this feeling.

I resent that there are people that expect that I am totally great with everything that comes our way. I am not entirely happy with the move here. I made some amazing friends in California. Beyond that, we were suppose to be heading home next. It wasn’t suppose to work out this way.

Yet in my heart I know that is not true. Our path has always lead to where we are suppose to be. There was a time, after the miscarriage especially that I hated being in California. I felt no good could ever come out of the place were I lost my baby. Then we got pregnant with Ethan, I met Marina and Holly, I had the chemistry wives and so many adventures with Becca in California.

I know what I want out of our time here. My feelings are contradicting my wants at the moment and that is making me feel insanely horrible. Having J home for the weekend has helped. We went from being together for two weeks non-stop to him disappearing into the fog of the labs completely. That so did not help the loneliness factor.

Add to it that my children are growing up. Darn it no one said it would go this fast (wait that is totally not true, everyone says it goes by way fast. ugh). Becca is a little girl. Not my little baby anymore but a little girl that is trying to hard to find her place in the world. By doing so she creates many challenges that need me to be at my best, not at my worst. She no longer needs her night light and “can do it all by myself”.

Ethan is no longer a newborn. He has grown so much. He is so aware of everything around him. His head control is amazing. He is eating like crazy (a little draining but wouldn’t trade it!), is starting to bat at toys and gazes upon his big sister as if she is a goddess.

They moved in together this weekend. Ethan started sleeping in his crib in Becca’s room. Part of me wanted them both to hate it so I could have my baby back next to me. Nope! Ethan sleeps peacefully in the crib, crying out when he is hungry then back to sleep. Becca requests that her brother come to bed when she does, even though he retires a little later.

Life is whirl winding around me and I am barely keeping up. I hope to have even more in the house settled today with J’s help then next week can be dedicated to finding my footing a little more. It is ok for me not to like this place, it is not ok not to make the best of it and have some adventures in the meantime.

Back to unpacking … Hope your weekend was fab!