Warning: Not all Happy Thoughts Ahead
Pic of the Day ~ Becca At The Christmas Tree ~
We put up our Christmas tree and decorations yesterday, despite my normal hesitation to do so before December begins. This year Becca is bringing me so much joy and holiday spirit, I just had to jump right in.
With the happiness comes some grave sadness too. It surprised me at first, then it all made sense. I have talking about the miscarriage much more than I normally do (aka not at all) the past few weeks. My head preparing my heart. Last year on Black Friday, I discovered I was bleeding. Despite most people’s attempts to reassure me that it could all turn out ok from the point I knew. I knew it was over and that I would have to live through losing my baby.
Putting up the tree this year brought tears to my eyes. Watching our sweet daughter placing all the ornaments on one branch overwhelmed me with emotion. There was suppose to be a baby brother or sister here, celebrating their first Christmas. Instead emptiness. Last year December was a numb blur for me. I blogged everyday and sounded cheery enough, but really I was frozen inside, unable to feel the full effect of our loss. Trying so hard to be strong and accept that these things happen for a reason. pffft there is no reason to have taken my baby. That is such a crock to say to people, it does not help, because logic when your heart if broken makes absolutely no sense.
This year we are going to celebrate Christmas the three of us one last time. This pregnancy is ok, the baby is safe and sound in there, growing, kicking and making me tired and cranky at times. Next year I will have my two children around the tree with my adoring husband. Somehow that makes the loss a little easier. A little. Someone asked me recently if the pain ever goes away. I said no. I miss that baby everyday that I breath. I wonder what might have been, what should have been.
I know there are people that would prefer that I would have dealt with this and moved on. And I have to some degree, but no matter how much I want to not mourn that loss, I still have to. This is the ugly truth, that it still hurts like hell that we lost our baby.
Now I did not say there would be no happy thoughts ahead. Yesterday was a beautiful day for our family. Becca adored decorating the tree, placing all the ornaments on a single branch! She spoke of the ornaments being friends and having to stick together. The kid has an amazing imagination!
This morning woke way early (5 am early *shudders at the thought*) to cruise over to Michaels to get my huge list of knitting supplies and yarn. *drool* Yarn shopping with a coupon. Black Friday is CRAZY, although comparable to Boxing Day in Canada. One exception, the people wearing PARKAS in Southern California, have no clue what December 26th is like in Canada. hehe!
I hope to take some pictures of all the beautiful yarn I bought today. I should be set for projects for a while now. I have about 4-5 that I want to complete, including a baby blanket for the baby. J figures I will complete it before Christmas, but I am not so sure, it is HUGE! hehhe! I think I am officially addicted to knitting! And I like it!
Oh I’m so sorry you’re feeling down. You have every right to feel that way as long as and as often as you need to. Screw anyone who makes you feel otherwise.
So awesome that you had fun decorating with your family ~ that’s really special!
Can’t wait to see what you make next!
I wantt o reply properly but I have a squealing Joey crying for my attention so I will just send hugs for now. I think you have every right to need to grieve and although I have never been through the same thing myself, I can only begin to imagine the pain losing your child can bring you. I am glad this pregnancy is bringing you joy but you shouldn`t feel bad about feeling bad.
Bigs hugs to you! I had my m/c in Feb 04, we had ttc issues with it taking 4 yrs to have our 2nd DD so when we decided to try again we fell pregnant quite fast, when we had our 1st u/s and saw nothing our Dr said maybe your dates are off (knowing they were not) we went home and I just knew, after about a day the bleeding started and that was it. I have a little memento box of some odds and ends we had already collected it is my reminder of the baby that couldn’t be. It still hurts and reading your post I so get how you feel. I honestly felt for a long time it was my fault and nothing made me feel any different, I guess with time it eased. Nearing three years I don’t think our lost baby will ever be forgotten I mean how could that be right? I love my 3 girls dearly but there will always be a place tucked away for our lost baby. What is it that is said time heals all wounds? Sometimes time takes awhile, and those that don’t get that well I guess thats too bad for them, maybe they need to walk a mile in your shoes to understand. Take care and hugs again.
Sorry I rambled
i am sorry for your loss. and i feel you have every right to grieve in your own way, however long it takes. i hope the sadness eases…i really don’t know what to say without sounding like a jerk, so i’m gonna stop.
however, i wonder if people who say, ‘_____ happened for a reason.’ say it because they found a reason for something bad that happened to them. i agree with you that it’s a stupid thing to say. i’m just wondering if a person who says that is just projecting onto the person they’re trying to comfort. sorry for rambling, too, and hope i made a little sense without offending!
The pain never goes away completely…and I think that’s best. I don’t want to forget the little lives I had with me for even a short time…but it does get easier. And now I can think of it without being pulled down into a deep depression. I hope it’s the same for you.
Sending you a giant hug.
hug.
I know you will have a wonderful christmas this year…You have a growing family and you should be so proud of that. I know you are.
Enjoy it…Next christmas will be very busy!!!
I can imagine feeling so rich with emotion. Christmas trees have a way of doing that to us I think. The pain of what happened last year might never go away. I think that is OK. Somethings in life are painful. Honour that pain. Live it. Feel it. Enjoy your deep happiness too, but it’s perfectly OK to honour that pain. It was a loss Chelle. A big one. It’s OK to be sad.
Hugs.
I don’t have kids so I don’t really understand what you are going through in that respect but I am still grieving for a loved one. I’m finding the closer it gets to Christmas, the more painful it is becoming. I went to buy some Christmas cards today and got a huge lump in my throat when I had to bypass the grandparent section.
I envy kids when I see them with their grandparents and want so badly to see my again.
Hugs and Kisses to you, I’m sorry your dealing with so much emotional pain.
Well, you made me weepy. (((HUGS))) I’m so very sorry about the baby. I hope that it does get easier in time or that when you see this little bear’s face that your heart will be soooo full with joy and love that the emptiness doesn’t seem quite so empty afterall.
I hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving.
feel sorry for the loss but i hope this time it’s really going better!
I’m kinda late of knowing what’s happened to you on the past months
I can’t imagine that the pain will ever go away - the baby was a part of you and you’ll always mourn what could/should have been - I’m sure that’s to be expected…and no one would blame you for tears at this first anniversary approached; you do have so much to look forward to next year and hopefully it’ll help ease some of that pain. Hugs to you during a bittersweet time for you!
HUGS & LOVE Momma Chelle!!!
Cant wait to see the pictures of your new stuff.
The memories will always be there. It’s ok to grieve.
As for X’mas, I love your blog’s theme
My mum lost two babies a few years apart when I was a child. They finally carried a baby to term and along came my brother. We didn’t talk about those losses as a family until the last few years. My sister even included the ‘angel babies’ in my parents anniversary quilt. Having them acknowledged at last (be it 10-15 years later) was really healing for every one. Perhaps you could craft something (if you haven’t already) to include that child you lost in your family.
I odn’t know what to say
Wow Chelle. I think you’re strong to acknowledge your loss. Write about it as often as you want. It happened. You lost your baby.
I don’t get why anyone wouldn’t treat a miscarriage as a legitimate loss. It is a legitimate as they come.
I’m sending hugs, understanding, and love your way.
I’m sorry I missed this post till today (I guess that’s what happens when you don’t go on the computer on the weekends). I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that will make it easier. I, myself, have not gone through a miscarriage so I will never know what it’s like to deal with that but as far as I’m concerned you have 3 children & you are a mom of 3, even though baby #2 did not live to be held in your arms nor experience the love of his/her mom and dad & big sister. I think a lot of people don’t understand that. You need the time to grive and you will never forget that little baby that should have been with you here today.
Big Hugs to you!!!
I wanted to send hugs your way. I’m so sorry for your loss.
With this post you captured so many emotions. I love how Becca put the friend ornaments all together! She is such a sweetie!