Another day is passing by. I am a little off today. I woke up all icky, with cramps and a nose bleed of all things. Odd. It feels like time is all I have, like healing will only take time. Yuck

Our Doula came by this morning. It was nice to visit with her. She brought us a beautiful rose plant and a gift for Becca. It was nice to have closure with her. I had so many dreams and wishes for this baby. I was so hoping that we would have a healthy, happy pregnancy. I was looking forward to dressing all cute in maternity clothes and taking a ton of pictures. I was hoping to enjoy every aspect of this pregnancy, knowing that it would be our last. J & I had discussed children a lot and knew we only wanted two. I am not really sure what to do with all those wishes and dreams. Do I banish them from my mind and heart? Hang on to them in case we try for another baby? What if another baby does not come? Will I just hurt more later if I hang onto those dreams? UGH It so helps to write about it. I am not much of a talker of pain, I mean it helps to talk to J, but everyone else, I hate to talk & talk about it. At times I feel like I am not sad enough for people’s expectations. I hate making people feel bad too. I am a person that likes to make people feel good about everything, rahter than all sad for me. Besides I have a wonderful family there is no need to feel sad for me. I am not sure if I am even making sense typing this all out, my heart is just spilling out into the blog, so if I am confusing or lame just ignore me

Becca & I had some errands to run after nap time today, so we headed out to the post office and a couple other stops. Becca is such an amazing kid. She brings me so much pride and happiness. I am looking forward to being more my old self so we can keep on with all these amazing experiences and enjoy motherhood.

I am trying hard to take it easy this week. I am very much looking forward to our mini vacation to Vegas this weekend. I can hardly wait to hug my cousin!!! It could not be better timing to have family close. I am so glad we could make it work going to Vegas. We are planning on driving up on Saturday, spending the afternoon with Trina & Cal, then driving to a hotel that is about an hour south of Vegas. It is way cheaper than staying on the strip on a weekend and there are OUTLET stores right by the hotel/casino. We plan on spending the morning at the hotel/casino then driving back to Riverside.

Today I am definately having some ups & downs (note the rambling above). At moments I feel elated that I have Becca and J and that our lives are full of adventure and fun. Then the dark cloud creeps up on me and I feel so sad. I guess this is part of the healing

Ok Seriously…Our kid is spoiled! hehe! It is all my fault too! There is a new Dora doll that talks blah blah….but the kicker is most Dora dolls are for at least 2+ if not 3+, this Dora doll is for 18 months plus (Becca will be 18 months in Janaury!). SO I HAVE to get Becca the doll. Ok sure we already have bought her a ton of toys, but this one is special I have to locate the $15 gift certificate that Becca won on Halloween….that will put a dent in the cost of the silly doll ARG!!!! What are we going to do when she starts actually asking for stuff?!??!?! Lord Help US!!

OMG OMG! I almost forgot….Becca POOPED in the POTTY!!! We have not been very consistent lately because of all the crap….no pun intended….hehe! Anyway tonight I heard her a gunting and rushed her to the potty and PLOP!!! Becca pooped in the POTTY! Mommy & Daddy did the potty dance and Becca looked at us like we were totally silly! It was awesome!

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